I´m a fighter

Yesterday was a really tough day. I couldn´t sit, I couldn´t stand, I couldn´t eat, I couldn´t drink, all I could do was to squirm in pain under my blanket. My headache was at it´s worst, I nearly threw up because of it. Every muscle and limb ached and I wasn´t able to lie still and get to relax even a bit. I absolutely hate those days, and I am so glad I´m feeling better today.

// Picture from We Heart It //

As many of you know, I am currently staying in a rehabilitation center. I´ve been here for over two weeks now, and was supposed to go home this wednesday, after three weeks. But, since things haven´t really gone my way - the fact that I´m worse now than I was when I got here - my supervisor and I have decided that I will stay here for another two weeks. I soo badly want this to work, and I don´t want to go home feeling like this - both fysically and mentally. I will give this a second chance, and then we´ll see. If it doesn´t work I guess I am not ready for it. But I will continue fighting, I will not quit.

~ Sarah ~

Update from rehab

I know it´s been forever since I´ve posted something, but I´ve been all caught up in things here at rehab. Things are going ok, could have been a lot better. I try to stay positive at all times, but its hard when you feel like things are going in the wrong direction.. I am worse now than I was when I got here, and I´ve been here for two weeks. I thought I was supposed to be better.

The first two days I was a little shocked about how much I thought I was supposed to do, and after two days trying to do it all I was totally exhausted. But then I had a meeting with my contactperson up here, and we developed a plan that we thought I was able to follow. That is the same plan as I still have: maximum 15 minutes of activity a day. But the thing is that going from my room to the cafeteria is activity to me. Eating in a room filled with people is activity. Chatting along with them is exhausting. Dressing before/after my "real" activity is hard. It´s all tough. 

On the bright side, I am able to do soo much more now than two months ago. It is progress, and I so badly don´t want that to be ruined.

So, today my activity was a walk with the group and we did squats and lunges before I had to leave. The rest of the group continued with other basic exercises that we can do at home without any equipment. Other days we´ve been in the gym, doing Tai Chi on the grass watching the sun rise, regular walks, strenght training outside etc. The others have exercises in one of the pools 4-6 times a week, but I´m not allowed to as it takes too much energy to shower and get dressed/undressed twice + swimming. That sucks, but I know it´s right as I tried joining one of the swimming sessions my first day here. 

But, it´s not all bad. In fact, I´ve spent every day positive till yesterday, so if I´d written a post then, it would have sounded a lot different than this. That post would have been smiling itself. 

Other than that, I´ve watched lots of movies and TV-shows on netflix, been drawing a little and nitting a lot. Now I´m excited for tomorrows talk with my contactperson, and see if she have a plan to get me back on the right track. We will also discuss whether I should stay here for another week. I am supposed to go home next wednesday, but maybe I´ll be here longer. 

The other day, me and one of the others here went out in the boat. He rowed and I enjoyed the peace and quiet. I took some pictures for you guys, but other than these I barely take pictures even though this is the most idyllic place ever.

And this is something I drew the other day. Not finished, but I don´t really know what more to do with it.

~ Sarah ~

I need your help and opinion

If you´ve read my blog before, you probably know that I was recently vacationing on Gran Canaria. Well, that wasn´t all I did. The trip was booked for three reasons. Number 1: To get to see something else than my livingroom. Number 2: To see if the climate helped my health. Number 3: To visit a school which I´ve applied to, and am now considering going to this fall. Yes, you read correctly, I´m considering moving to Gran Canaria. That´s why I need your help and opinion, what do you think?

Do I think the climate helped my health on Gran Canaria?

Yes. I absolutely do. The week before we left I was better than I´d been since October, but that doesn´t mean I was well. That means that my headache was reduced, my energylevel was slightly better, I was able to have friends over some nights and I was able to pack my bag all by myself. So, I was much better, but I wasn´t good. The first days on Gran Canaria was a bit tough. The trip was long, 16 hours in total, and of course I was tired after that. The first days I spent many hours in bed, but I was also able to sit outside on our balcony to get fresh air. As the days went by, I recovered more and more from the trip. I started hanging out by the pool and some nights my mother and I even went out for dinner. We came down there on a Saturday, and the next Friday we visited the school. I´ll tell you more about it below. After visiting the school we went out to eat lunch as we were already out in the city. That was a mistake. When we finally got back my headache was a 8 1/2 out of 10, I was nauseated, had lots of musclepain and was ill in general. I slept for three hours, from 3pm to 6pm, but when i woke up I was miraculously much better. My headache had reduced to a 5, I was no longer nauseated and had hardly any musclepain. I was trilled, but took a calm night on the balcony to make sure I wouldn´t ruin the recovery. I went to bed early, and when I woke up the next morning, my headache was hardly a 3 and I was feeling good. I can´t remember me recovering that fast even once since I got ill. Saturday I spent almost the entire day by the pool, at night my mother got us takeaway and I went to bed still feeling good. 

The next week was even better. I was feeling good every day. I took two short walks where one of them was up stairs after stairs (518 steps) to reach a viewpoint. I swam in the pool, I ate out many nights, I went to bed almost without a headache (and I can´t remember last time that happened), and I smiled, laughed and was really enjoying myself. The last day we even took a day-trip to a town nearby, it´s name is Puerto de Mogan and it´s being called Little Venezia because of it´s similar canals linked by bridges. It was beautiful and it was a market there, same type as I visited in Arguineguin the same week(!!), and we walked a lot and we ate out and when we got back to our hotel we had been out for 6 hours, and thats almost a day of school. We went home the next day and that trip was tough, but now I´ve been home for a week and I´ve kept the good shape I had on Gran Canaria! I´ve been able to continue taking short walks, having periods almost without a headache, a minimum of musclepain and, yeah, I´ve been good. Great actually. 

So you must see that I think very positively about Gran Canaria. It really did me well, and I am thinking that since I got that well after two weeks, how will I do after ten months?

The school is a Norwegian private school. I know that I haven´t told you that I am a Norwegian before, but I thought it was time to let you know (plus then I have a excuse for my bad English). 

Well, as I said, the school is a Norwegian private school. It´s located between the popular tourist cities Puerto Rico (where I stayed) and Arguineguin. It´s a tiny school with elementary school, middle school and high school on the same grounds. To be more precise, the kids from elementary school have their playground outside of the high school classrooms. Elementary- and middle school have about 160 pupils in total, and the high school between 70 and 90 pupils. 

I spoke to the school counselor, and he seemes to have a good idea of how to get me trough school. And that is exactly what my goal is, to get trough school. I´ve tried to keep the old me, the girl who only accepted, and only got, good grades, but then I use too much energy and I end up not being able to attend the test which I practised for. I simply get exhausted by the preparations. So, my goal will be not to fail any classes, and thats it. I will study at college, but I will have to choose a college that will accept me, and not get to attend my dream college. 

Some of the other pupils at the school are in some way ill and the climate helps them, and that´s why they attend that school. Others have parents or siblings who gets better because of the climate, and the rest of them only wants a different year or something like that. So it won´t be like going to school in a hospital, most of the pupils will be healthy, just like at any other school. 

The biggest downside of this is; I will have to move out. Not just move out, but basically move to another continent (not really, but hello, it´s almost Africa). Will I be healthy enough to take care of myself  and study? I have no idea. 

This is why I need your help. Do you have any advices or opinions to help me make a decision? Of course it will also be a lot more expensive to move out and attend a private school, but ignore that factor. Not that money isn´t an issue, but I´d rather like your opinions on the rest. I have to decide within Wednesday!

- What do you think? I really need your help and opinion.

~ Sarah ~

Why me?

A question that often pop up in my mind is "why me?". Why is it me who has to suffer with cfs? I didn´t do anything to deserve it as far as i know.. But who has? Who has done anything to deserve something like this?

Before I got ill, I was the sporty girl in our class. I was the exemplary student, the dutiful daughter, the kind sister, the role model and the popular girl. My life was good. 

I made it to our region elite team in cross country skiing. My pre-season training had been great, I´d never worked that hard before. My fysical tests were great, I´d taken many steps towards the elite. Then I got ill. 

I come from a athletic family. My brother was a elite cross country skier, my mom and dad had been when they were young, and my little sister was up-and-coming. Most of what we did together involved activity. Not that we didn´t watch TV together, or didn´t get to do other things, it´s just that it was the activities we liked. When the family suddenly got a girl who stayed in bed all day, it was hard to handle. I wanted the rest of the family to stay active, and they wanted to, but it wasn´t the same anymore. They could still work out, but not do those types of vacations we used to have, and go on all the "adventures" we went on. 

Even though I´m used to it, it still hurts to see every member of my family go training every single day, while I stay home in bed. 

That was my life. That is what I lost. Sometimes when I´m in a dark place, I think "why couldn´t some of the lazy people take over for me?", but I regret the thought right away. No one deserves this. No one.

Sometimes it helps that I had that past, because everyone knows that this is the last thing I want. Staying home in bed. Watching some TV when I have the energy for it, and sleep the rest. "Why should this happen to you?", "You´re the last person to deserve something like this" etc. I hear it all the time. It´s nice not being suspected of being lazy, but it still doesn´t help. 

I´s hard staying positive every day, but i´m sure it helps. I see a therapist once a week, and the last times we´ve talked about who I am. Who am I without sports? I haven´t figured it out yet, but I think I´m getting closer. I might have lost all of that, but there´s still things I have. 

I have a wonderful family who supports me and tries to make my days better.

I have fantastic friends who cares about me.

I am still able to support my friends, give advices and listen to all the fun things they do.

I am still motivated for school, even though I had to quit for now.

I still care about sports. I cant still watch it on TV, even though I can´t compete myself.

I have money on my bank account because I don´t spend any.

I still like to read.

I still like photografy. That is a nice hobby when I have energy for it.

I am still able to be a good sister.

I am still able to be a good person. I am still me. 

"Why me?" and "why not me?" is two questions that adds up to each other. It it hat it is, it´s up to us to make the best of it.

                   

Do you often wonder "why me?" aswell? Not necessarily cfs, anything.

~ Sarah ~ 

Update from Gran Canaria

I wrote this post on wednesday, but I´ve had some technical problems with both posting and adding pictures, so that´s why I´m publishing it this late. I hope you forgive me, and I also pray you forgive the bad quality of the pictures, I have no idea what happened there... 

Pleasant News

I woke up today, and almost couldn't believe what I saw. It was morning. I slept through the entire night! I feel so awake and ready for a new day. Since this is travel day, and I am excited, I thought id be up all night waiting for morning to come. But I cant even remember laying awake yesterday, I must have fallen asleep pretty darn fast! I am not able to remember when this happened last time, so I had to share my joy with you. Having CFS/ME, many tend to have a hard time sleeping at night, and falling asleep in general. I know this seems really stupid since we have a fatigue syndrome, but that doesnt mean we're not tired, we just have trouble with sleeping. Many mention "insomnia" as a symptom when they explain their illness.

I hope you slept great tonight aswell, and I hope you will get a wonderful day! 

~ Sarah ~