Monday, April 7, 2014

Why me?

A question that often pop up in my mind is "why me?". Why is it me who has to suffer with cfs? I didn´t do anything to deserve it as far as i know.. But who has? Who has done anything to deserve something like this?

Before I got ill, I was the sporty girl in our class. I was the exemplary student, the dutiful daughter, the kind sister, the role model and the popular girl. My life was good
I made it to our region elite team in cross country skiing. My pre-season training had been great, I´d never worked that hard before. My fysical tests were great, I´d taken many steps towards the elite. Then I got ill. 

I come from a athletic family. My brother was a elite cross country skier, my mom and dad had been when they were young, and my little sister was up-and-coming. Most of what we did together involved activity. Not that we didn´t watch TV together, or didn´t get to do other things, it´s just that it was the activities we liked. When the family suddenly got a girl who stayed in bed all day, it was hard to handle. I wanted the rest of the family to stay active, and they wanted to, but it wasn´t the same anymore. They could still work out, but not do those types of vacations we used to have, and go on all the "adventures" we went on. 
Even though I´m used to it, it still hurts to see every member of my family go training every single day, while I stay home in bed. 

That was my life. That is what I lost. Sometimes when I´m in a dark place, I think "why couldn´t some of the lazy people take over for me?", but I regret the thought right away. No one deserves this. No one.

Sometimes it helps that I had that past, because everyone knows that this is the last thing I want. Staying home in bed. Watching some TV when I have the energy for it, and sleep the rest. "Why should this happen to you?", "You´re the last person to deserve something like this" etc. I hear it all the time. It´s nice not being suspected of being lazy, but it still doesn´t help. 

I´s hard staying positive every day, but i´m sure it helps. I see a therapist once a week, and the last times we´ve talked about who I am. Who am I without sports? I haven´t figured it out yet, but I think I´m getting closer. I might have lost all of that, but there´s still things I have. 

I have a wonderful family who supports me and tries to make my days better.
I have fantastic friends who cares about me.
I am still able to support my friends, give advices and listen to all the fun things they do.
I am still motivated for school, even though I had to quit for now.
I still care about sports. I cant still watch it on TV, even though I can´t compete myself.
I have money on my bank account because I don´t spend any.
I still like to read.
I still like photografy. That is a nice hobby when I have energy for it.
I am still able to be a good sister.
I am still able to be a good person. I am still me. 

"Why me?" and "why not me?" is two questions that adds up to each other. It it hat it is, it´s up to us to make the best of it.

                   


Do you often wonder "why me?" aswell? Not necessarily cfs, anything.

~ Sarah ~ 

2 comments:

  1. Every day. It takes time to readjust and learn to be yourself again. To learn whar it means to not be defined in a certain way and to try and not now be defined as only the sick one, who can't do anything.
    You've already took a step in making a positive change through blogging and sharing your story. You may not be able to be as physical but you can still be kind, loving, funny, a good person. And dealing with what we suffer does make us stronger. Not that we want to be made stronger in this way.
    It is easy to think karma got the wrong person though.

    Sian x

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    1. Thank you. I am so glad I made this blog and found the "spoonie community". Everybody around me cares and tries to understand, but they are not able to. You are, and it feels good talking to others in the same situation and reading about others experiences and such. What has happened has happened, we just need to make the best of it.

      Hope you have great Easter! xx Sarah

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