Before I got ill, I was the sporty girl in our class. I was the exemplary student, the dutiful daughter, the kind sister, the role model and the popular girl. My life was good.
I made it to our region elite team in cross country skiing. My pre-season training had been great, I´d never worked that hard before. My fysical tests were great, I´d taken many steps towards the elite. Then I got ill.
I come from a athletic family. My brother was a elite cross country skier, my mom and dad had been when they were young, and my little sister was up-and-coming. Most of what we did together involved activity. Not that we didn´t watch TV together, or didn´t get to do other things, it´s just that it was the activities we liked. When the family suddenly got a girl who stayed in bed all day, it was hard to handle. I wanted the rest of the family to stay active, and they wanted to, but it wasn´t the same anymore. They could still work out, but not do those types of vacations we used to have, and go on all the "adventures" we went on.
Even though I´m used to it, it still hurts to see every member of my family go training every single day, while I stay home in bed.
That was my life. That is what I lost. Sometimes when I´m in a dark place, I think "why couldn´t some of the lazy people take over for me?", but I regret the thought right away. No one deserves this. No one.
Sometimes it helps that I had that past, because everyone knows that this is the last thing I want. Staying home in bed. Watching some TV when I have the energy for it, and sleep the rest. "Why should this happen to you?", "You´re the last person to deserve something like this" etc. I hear it all the time. It´s nice not being suspected of being lazy, but it still doesn´t help.
I´s hard staying positive every day, but i´m sure it helps. I see a therapist once a week, and the last times we´ve talked about who I am. Who am I without sports? I haven´t figured it out yet, but I think I´m getting closer. I might have lost all of that, but there´s still things I have.
I have a wonderful family who supports me and tries to make my days better.
I have fantastic friends who cares about me.
I am still able to support my friends, give advices and listen to all the fun things they do.
I am still motivated for school, even though I had to quit for now.
I still care about sports. I cant still watch it on TV, even though I can´t compete myself.
I have money on my bank account because I don´t spend any.
I still like to read.
I still like photografy. That is a nice hobby when I have energy for it.
I am still able to be a good sister.
I am still able to be a good person. I am still me.
"Why me?" and "why not me?" is two questions that adds up to each other. It it hat it is, it´s up to us to make the best of it.
Do you often wonder "why me?" aswell? Not necessarily cfs, anything.
~ Sarah ~