Monday, March 17, 2014

I'm not depressed, but in grieving

It's been over a year and a half now since I got ill. It's not a long time judging by others with the same disease, but for a 18 year old girl, it seems like a lifetime. When your body is always tired, always in pain, how can you stay mentally positive and strong then? When you're no longer able to do the things you love, the things that used to be your life, how do you not lose yourself? How can you be the same person, without getting to do what you love? Without living the life you know? 
I don't have the answers. Because I am not always positive and strong. I'm no longer the person I used to be. I'm not. But I choose to believe that I am a better person now. I don't have a better life, but I think that when I recover, I will be a much better version of myself. I now know how to appreciate the small things I used to take for granted. Like taking a walk. Like taking a shower on your own. Like eating meals with your family. Like staying up all day without taking naps. This is all things I just to take for granted. I mean, don't you? But now, being able to do those things doesn't happen every day, or even every week. Considering I am grateful for those things, imagine when I'll be able to stay on school an entire week, when I'll be able to go for a run, when I'll be able to spend more than an hour at a time with friends. Please appreciate what you have, before it turns into what you had. 

My psychologist says that I am in no way depressed, but that I react in a way she could not describe by anything else than that I was in grieving. That I grieve for everything I've lost. I grieve for the life I used to have, that are now history. I used to work out everyday. I come from a very athletic family, where we do a lot of things together, most of it activities, like hiking, skiing, running, biking, anything fun and athletic really. That's been a challenge for us. I can't do those things anymore, and my family can't stop being athletic just because I can't join them. I want them to be able to do what they love, even though I am lying in bed at home.  

Even though it is tough now, it will be better, I will get better. Someday, I won't only get my life back, I will get a even better life. 

 ~ Sarah ~


  1. Your words struck a chord with me and I'm sure they will ring true for many other fellow sufferers.

    I went through a period of grieving way back when I was first diagnosed and I suppose I've been going through another one just very recently. Before it was for the life I had lost. Now, I guess it's grief for the life I won't ever have. The path of grief and loss is a hard one for us to tread. But I've always tried to remember that everybody's life and paths change, sometimes slowly, sometimes rapidly. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. We have low times, and it is good to acknowledge them, as you have done here. Partly because it helps us cope personally and partly because it helps other people, like you have helped me through your words. We cannot know what life will bring next. But we can know that we as people change and grow.

    I'm so very glad to have discovered your blog. I wish you "bon courage" with your own journey and I look forward to reading more here soon. Fran xx

    1. Thank you, the support of fellow sufferers means more to me than I'd ever think it would.
      "Bon courage" to you too, hope your day is as good as it can be. xx